A week full of Woe......

Tis been a very bad week for me.  I picked up a GI thing at the hospital while I was getting a central line inserted for Chemo.  The Central line went in easily  enough but the vomiting and running to the bathroom for the past several days have been sheer !@#$.  Cancer is definitely for the strong.

I feel as though I am at a turning point.  This is either the time when I start to feel a little bit better, start the chemo, gain a few more pounds back etc........look forward to seeing the leaves change colors this year, or this is really the beginning of the end.  I am not sure where I am yet.

Everything seems to be falling apart this week.  Thank god my mother flew in late last night.  She and Mike are my lifelines.  I Am tired of taking meds, tired of the meds working me over, tired of what the meds do to me, sick and tired of the fact that THE MEDS NEVER REALLY GET RID OF THE PAIN....the pain is always there, just masked a bit.

All Pain aside, The nausea is going to !@#$ing KILL ME.  every day I wake up and I am nauseous.  I have barely eaten or drank anything since last wednesday, and it ain't pretty.  Do you know what it is like to be CONTANTLY THIRSTY?  The hunger pangs go away but the thirt haunts me for some reason.

And I have never really been asking "Why ME"  I just keep asking "Why"  ....Why am I going trhough this, what am I supposed to learn.  Or am I supposed to be teaching somone something?  I wish it were more clear.

I just seems like a big !@#$ed up mess right now and I pray that I will get some clarity. 

I pray everday that god takes me in my sleep because I have seen what cancer does and I don't want to go through it.  Please god don't make me go through it.  Please.

Thank you all, especially the strangers who are strangers no more sending me notes of encouragement.  Those notes brighten my day more than you will ever know.
Time for rest, All for now...............

Comments

[Laney]

Max:

I don't know the to answer to your questions, but I know that you will know who really to count as one of those who care. We can only stand by and send our positive thoughts to you. Hopefully, there will be enough noise from the Democrats, Hindus, Moslems, Christians and Jews and even the Republicians to attract God's attention. He will say to himself; "All this comotion supporting one person? He must be really special-I need to take another look at Max Brown. He must be something if all these people are rooting for him." Please know that we care.

Laney

[Betsy]

Oh God, Max! After your fairy godmother post I was so hoping that you had turned a corner, even if if was only a small one! I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling so crappy!

You wonder if you're teaching anyone anything-- well, you're definitely reminding me to focus on the present because there are no guarantees in life, are there?

My thoughts are with you, Max. I'm just hoping, praying that god will cut you a break and that you will start to feel better very soon...

xxx.
Betsy

[LaurieM]

Max, cant they increase your pain meds to help more?I thought they had cocktails of drugs so you dont have to feel so much pain..Iam praying and thinking of you everyday.I think you will find answers but who of us can say when. Love cousin Laurie M

[Denise]

I am going to be silly and be practical!! Stay out of those darn waiting rooms! UGH! or wear gloves! I went in for an out patient thing last week and my husband brought the kids in to the waiting room and they all came home with nasty colds! UGH!!! Knit yourself some waiting room mitts!!
I do know what it is like to be thirsty all the time! It sucks! hopefully it will pass.
Good thoughts and prayers coming you way! Peacs.

[Bonnie (Boy George Girl)]

Max, roll yourself a fat one. It will either get rid of the pain, or you'll be so high you won't care.

In the meantime, I send a cyber hug your way. And I totally agree with Laney; we'll all pester God so much that he'll definitely take notice.

[Marilyn Bourdow]

Hi Max. I wish there were some answers to your questions. If you find the answers, please share them with us. This is all such a shock and so hard to believe that this is happening to you. I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers every day and that we love you. Love, Aunt Marilyn

[Emma]

I want to say something,but realy don't know what. I so want to offer you some comfort. All I have to give is my love and to let you know that I am thinking of you.
That,and I second Bonnie's suggestion.

xox

[Uncle Bill]

Hi Max: Yes!! You do have a fairy Godmother. Some call them guardian angels others call them guides. They are with us always; unfortunately, we humans, while earth bound, seek guidance only when a crisis exists. I experienced mine while close to death in the recovery room following open heart surgery. His name is Anthony and he has been my trusted guide throughout many a crisis since, including three heart attacks, two strokes, and graduation from Hospice almost three years ago. Continue to seek and heed his/her guidance; insights and perspectives from these spiritual realms include past, present, and future; they are comforting. Aunt Jan and I send our LOVE and luv.

[LynnH]

Words fail, but I'm on your team. It's rough stuff. Please know that you have many friends.

[VaxGirl]

If it's not possible to roll one, maybe a prescription for medical mj? It's helping my SIL during her chemo.

[Theresa]

When I first started graduate school in immunology, I did so because I wanted to be involved in things that could change people's worlds. I've changed direction a little bit, but if there's any way I can help you with literature research or any scientific questions, please let me know.

Emma and Lynn are right. Words do fail. And you do have another knitblogger that you've never met that wants you to know that she's pulling for you.

[Lisa]

It's redundant, but like everyone else pulling for you, my thoughts are with you. If we could take a globe and sticks pins in (Rick Santorum - no, different tangent...) all the places that you have a friend thinking of you, I bet we'd have the place pretty well covered. I'm glad you've got your mom and Mike there for you.

Hang in there,
Lisa

[Julie]

Max,

If I've never told you how much Roy and I admire, adore and love you, then hear it now. I will pray for you til my lips dry up!
Julie

[Bob & Loelei Ramsey]

You are in our prayers. Love your style. Lorelei

[Li_B]

You are teaching us something, that dying isn't the opposite of life, it's part of life. Thank you.
Li

[judith decker]

Max I was so sad to here you were having such a bad week. Hang in there I am sure you will be feeling better soon. Thinking of you with very positive thoughts. as ever, judy decker

[karen]

Oh Max, please know that I'm thinking of you and praying that God will be your peace and comfort during this darkness. I'm sure that my imagination doesn't do your suffering justice but I do know that during several bouts of the FLU, I have had similar thoughts about just wanting to die because of the nausea, which I suppose means that I'm not one of the strong ones. I'm so glad your mother and Mike are there with you and that you can lean on them right now.

[Kela]

Hi, Max! I think your blog is great and will look forward to checking in on you. I hope your pain and discomfort can be relieved soon. Please let me know if there is anything we can do for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, Kela

[Terry]

I was a lurker on your other blog, which lead me here a couple of days ago.

Ever since I started reading this blog, I think and pray for you often. I was just talking to my cousin the other day about knitting blogs (she's never seen one) and how some bloggers are all business and just knitting, and others talk about their lives. I mentioned yours to her and she mentioned how brave it was that you started this new blog.

I have been close to many who have battled this disease and actually won, so even when everything seems bleak, please don't give up.

I pray that your doctors can find a way to ease your pain and the nausea. I also work in the medical field and I encourage you to speak up and let your doctors know how you're body is reacting to the chemo. Not that I am insinuating that you have or have not told your medical team, but some people think they're being a bother, so they don't tell the doctors what they're experiencing. Just incase you're one of those people, I just want to encourage you to ask about helping you feel better. There may be something they can do to ease some of the symptoms.

I just felt the need to write and tell you to hang on as best you can and know that there are total strangers who are sending positive energy your way. This disease sucks, but stay strong.

Peace-
Terry

[Cathy J]

Last time I saw you was at an ALA conference and you brightened up my day as always. Your positive energy still touches me as I read your blog. Thanks for setting up this blog so we can all send you our love. I'll be sending many loving prayers. Wish I could do more - Take care of yourself, Love, Cathy Jensen

[avril]

As always, I love you.

[Marie Pease Lewis]

Dear Max,

Jim told me of your situation and I wanted to let you know that we in Macon love u and are thinking of you... even tho' we may not have been in touch for a while. I want to send a FORCE to help you to live this part of your life... and yes, the lesson is, take nothing for granted.

I wish you peace ...
and morphine.
A huge hug (Feel it?)
Marie