How Soon Is Now?

Closure and hanging the Ladies

Yesterday was the viewing and funeral for Max.  JoAnn and I were very happy with how well everything turned out.  Mind you this was a very daunting task to plan a funeral suitable for Max.  Some interesting things have been happening. 

Max wanted to make sure the dogs realized his passing.  I had to make special arrangements for a viewing just for the dogs.  Saturday morning I walk into the funeral home with a little dog under my arm and being towed by a big dog.  Max's dog Tara, did her normal sniff sniff, but then wanted to jump in with him.  I then picked up big dog (all 90+ pounds) so he could see him.  That dog is too darn smart.  He looked, sniffed, paused, and licked my face; he was done.  That night, Big Dog (Zip) was crying all night.  He has bad arthritis and I got up to make sure he was comfortable.  His arthritis was no different than any other night.  When I got up to feed him in the morning he jumped down from the bed and walked to the kitchen like normal. He has stopped sitting by the front door waiting for Max to come home.  Closure comes in many forms I guess.

Max's viewing was the beginning.  Max's family all sitting around reflecting while some music I put together from Max's collection was playing.  About a year ago, Max turned to me and said, "I want this song played at my funeral."  I replied, "Isn't it a little early to be planning the music selections?"  He said, "Just make sure they play it."  Max and his psychic abilities--too numerous to describe, too creepy to remember some.  Anyway, the night before I burned the CD making sure I'll Fly Away by Alison Krause was toward the end.  I included some other songs from his father's funeral were in there too.

During the viewing, everyone is sitting there and a Norah Jones song starts playing and WHAM!  no lights, no power.  Now mind you there are two candles burning so it is not completely dark.  Interestingly enough no one panicked.  The funeral director worked the problem and 3 more times the power went out.  I was thinking someone hit a power line or they are doing more construction work on the road and hit something.  Later, the director tells JoAnn they have 3 back up generators to avoid this problem--in his 15 years he had never seen this before.  I guess Max did not want that song played or him and his dad are having a good time with us already!

The mass went with no hitches.  The singer was outstanding, the priest hit on so many of Max's qualities without truly knowing him (just what JoAnn and myself could come up with).  We finished with lunch at another Italian restaurant (my Italian heritage says we must eat our grief away!)  Almost all the out of towners that drove in left after lunch.  This morning I took the last group to the airport.  So now I reflect with the dogs!

Events like this really open your eyes to your surroundings.  I begun to  examine some of the projects Max had started and trying to decide the best result.  For example, because of the kitchen fiasco (that he so graciously took care of for me), we never really got anything settled in.  I was reviewing his other blog and reflected.  Max has a ton of art.  Some of it quite good and some is, shall we say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Max had this eye for extremes.  Those of you that met Max would totally understand my descriptions.  Old paintings of women, next to modern designs, next to surrealists, next to photography...eclectic just does not capture his taste, but Max always made it come together in a tasteful, eye catching arrangement.  The problem is that with the construction right after we moved in, he never had the chance to hang his art.  A few pieces are up, but a majority still remain wrapped awaiting discovery.  Max did explain how he wanted certain rooms and I agree with almost all his choices.  I just now have to draw on Max to give me inspiration for how to hang his "Ladies".

Mike

Margarita Time

It is with great sadness I ring the bell announcing Margarita time.  Max passed on Sunday afternoon.  He was being comforted by JoAnn, Hospice nurses and myself through the whole time.  He went to the hospital to get control of nausea and the nurses settled him in.  Max sat up and JoAnn was comforting him back when he collapsed in her arms.

For those that may not know, Max's dad passed a couple of years ago.  Max often commented through this "transition" that his dad was waiting with a Margarita him.  Max and his dad are having their Margaritas, probably sitting on a beach somewhere. 

JoAnn and I had a final dinner at one of Max's favorite places--Carrabba's.  We ordered him his favorite dish and had a glass of wine for him. 

Max's final arrangements are very simple.  He wanted a small family funeral then cremation.  He wanted his ashes scattered on the beach by his father's ashes.  He said not to rush to do that.  That would be Max, making it easy for me.

Please share your love with your family.  Max's mom was able to comfort Max to the end and she found great satisfaction in that.  Most of us don't get that opportunity, so take the time now to share with your family and friends.

Please support your local Hospice--Capital Hospice (http://capitalhospice.org) was outstanding taking care of us and enabling Max to spend his time at home in comfort.  This was my first interaction with this type of organization and they are now on my charity donation list.

Thanks for all the support for Max during his short time.  He read his blog all the time and tried to add to it when he could at the end. 

Please have a Margarita or cocktail for Max and enjoy life!

Mike and JoAnn

Well, it is 2:47 am in the moring and I want more medicine.......I want that stuff that helps me to sleep even though it makes me have strange conversations durinf the day!  And to  think I used to take the stuff for years.  It i s reaay minor stuff but when pared with MASSIVE AMOUNTS pain killers it tends to make one loopy.  Oh well....I want more.....I want more.....I want More.......   All For now............Max

Memories like the falling rain

(Mike) Max is back in the hospital.  While we got a handle on his pain, it turns out his nausea got out of control. 

It has been an interesting couple of days.  Max has been having some interesting revelations and walks along memory lane.  We were talking about games he played at the mall--Wheelchair game, April's pick a hottie, etc.  Max can put me into hysterics with his observations.  I remember the banter between him and April and just laugh and laugh.  JoAnn was overwhelmed by the way they address each other.  Too funny.

Another memory was triggered by a song.  I remember walking into my house in Macon and hearing some god awful banshee bellowing throughout the entire house.  I walked up to the stereo and clicked it down about 2000 notches.  I asked what the HECK!  Max was looking at me like I was berserk.  He said you should know Ethel!  I still laugh at how direct and blunt the way he said it.  Many warnings have been given from me to other people when asked to play some music.  Max has excellent taste in music but there is always the one thing that keeps it from pure perfection--Ethel.  UGH the times I have been tortured!

I bought Max a book:  "Being dead is no excuse" It is about planning a Southern funeral.  Humorous.  Satire.  Amy was a bit appalled at my choice, but I thought it was appropo.  Max read it and it compares Baptists, Methodists, Episcopals, and some Presbyterians in the LA-Miss-AL area.  It is mainly a cookbook on what people prepare and how Southerners approach funerals.  Very interesting quick read. 

Please keep Max in your thoughts.  He has been reading your comments, he just has not had the concentration to write lately.

Recommendation: Get your important papers organized.  I have been having a tough time collecting together some documents for Max.   I am the worst pack rat, but I reach a point where I organize it and shred the rest.  Some things I have found through this experience that are necessary...Bank account numbers, Insurance papers, Investment numbers.  Try to create some sort of filing that allows quick reference for family members.

"Everyone needs to steal a bit of something from someone they love"--Deloris Herbig Dead Like Me

Beware of the driver!

(Mike) Now that a certain shaky routine is going around here, I can start getting caught up in some work. Max was released from the hospital on Thursday (15 Sep). 

We have been able to start working with some really good nurses with Hospice.  This is my first introduction with the organization and now I see my charitable contributions of past have been well worth it.  They applied their expertise and got Max's pain under control...now if we can get is nausea we would be truly blessed (small steps at a time).  JoAnn and I are learning the fine art of nursing with all the demands of a nurse for a patient!  I always remind the nurses they are some of the worst patients!  Max agrees with that statement and follows with his cordial "I really appreciate everything you are doing. Now rub my back!"  Always good for a laugh!

This past weekend, Max and I went to Michael's, Target, and Wal-Mart--low crowds and wide aisles for his chair.  We were testing out his wheelchair to see how good a driver I am--I suck!  I clipped a couple of displays and a curb, hit a bump and made Max drop his drink, and smashed a lady with her cart.  Now in my defense, she had it coming she crossed the man-in-the-wheelchair.  Priorities are wheelchairs then strollers then shopping carts with babies.  DON"T CROSS THE WHEELCHAIR!!!!  I felt vindicated by her look at me and Max saying "EXCUSE MEEE, HELLO!"

Max has been going through his blog comments as usual, but he get "ants-in-the-pants" if he sits for long periods.  He likes to walk around.  He has not been patient enough to really sit down and focus on his blog.  It takes alot of concentration to compose at the keyboard. 

I think when I add to Max's blog, I am going to pass along a recommendation I have learned for those of us able to take care of ourselves.  Some of these will be definitely must do's and others are just niceties. 

Today's recommendation:  Legal stuff. Don't procrastinate on this! If you are married, get a will!  If  you are single, get a will!  Make sure your family knows where it is and it is current.  Include a living will and make sure you keep that current.  These are easy steps to help those taking care of you.  I am taking care of Max's paperwork, and it is alot--granted Max's requires some special attention.  Also review your benefits (life, medical, etc)  Thank God for Amy--she has been taking care of reviewing his policies so I can get the rest of it done.

Max appreciates all the prayers and wishes. 

Thanks,
Mike

Why God made poppies!?!

Mike input:
(11 Sep) Well Max has a new mantra--One of his doctors came into the room and asked how he was doing.  Max said he had some pain.  The doctor responded "take the medication it is why God made poppies."  Max could not stop laughing.  It was a good day.

On Labor Day (6 Sep), we were forced to take Max back to the hospital.  His prescriptions were not shall we say up to par.  He was well dehydrated from the weekend of bad medications and the home healthcare did not show up as they were promised to deliver some saline...end result, Max is in the hospital again.  This time the doctors are trying to balance his medications so he does not spike with pain so much. 

We also found out the hospital has WI-FI, so I will just keep bringing Max his computer.  His primary interest is reading all your comments.  Some put smiles on his face directly and others really cause him to think his life experiences then he usually looks up and does his normal nod and smile.  If you ever met Max you would know the look I am talking about.   I can tell he is thinking how wonderful everyone in his life is.  It really is important to tell those people who are important in your life how thankful you are they are there.  Max reaffirms this everyday.  He thanks the nurses, technicians, doctors, housekeepers, and the lady that brings him his dinner.   

His mom JoAnn and stepmom Grace are here.  Grace just flew in for the week.  It is good to sit and listen to the motherly banter and the two women focused on Max and his care.   Each has some interesting stories to tell about Max growing up.  Some I had heard before and some new ones.  Just gives me some more to tease Max about!  My evil sarcasm or as Max says my mind games.

I think we are getting into a routine, so I can find the few minutes to post and let everyone know Max's current state.  I know I am not the subtle poet that Max is, but I will do my best to keep his blog current.  We have been close to Max coming home, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  I am hoping he will be able to post or at least dictate some words to share with you.

Mike

I am back...

The Cancer is ravaging my abdominal cavity and as a result I have been diagnosed with Pacreatitis!  YEA!  What Eternal hell / fun!  I was let out of the hospital yesterday with a stack of the WRONG prescriptions....for pain meds.  Now i am not one for taking excess drugs but this is different.  Pancreatitis is one of the most painful things one can have inflicted upon ones body.  Well, to make a long story short, they could not fill the scripts.  I took what I had.....which was not much.  Saturday morning I started to go into withdrawal.....not fun.......oh let me tell you how much "NOT FUN" not fun really was........I was sort or crawling on the bed like a cat on all fours and my back felt like it was going to fall off. Fortunately, I had Mike and Mom with me.  I remember telling them it was "time" Or at least I thought it was time.  Mike and Mom were scheming behind my back (pun intended) to get the correct prescriptions in hand.   Names of specific scripts ingested by said blogger will be purposefully omitted because I don't need the hassle!
    Well, they ended up getting the meds.  I took the meds and guess what......I  G R A D U A L L Y    started to come back to reality.  No more guessing what day of the week it was, no freaky sounds and the pain subsided.  all returned to normal. or as normal as normal can be.

I did however think today was Thursday instead of Sunday........  Small stepps.....Tee Hee......
What did I / We learn throughout this big mess?

1  Make sure your scripts are written in dosages that a pharmacy  (legit) can fill in the USA.
2  Thank God for your family EVERYDAY.
3  You can't do cancer on your own.

When you lose another fifteen pounds....GO SHOPPING!

All for now..............

A Bad Couple Of Days.............

Sorry for this, but until I get the hang of this for Max.  I am just adding a quick update here.

Max is back in the hospital for some pancreatic issues. He should be home by the weekend. The Chemo is on hold until we clear this hurdle. JoAnn has been a true sport through her first hospital experience. Some of you know the humor (at least now it is humorous) in Max and the hospital. JoAnn was not quite prepared for the Max and his nursing expertise. His quick talking with the doctors and nurses left poor JoAnn in the dust--and some "misunderstanding" as Jack, Terry, and Matt got the multiple phone calls. I think she will excel next time! Gotta find some humor in all this.
Max was on some good stuff for pain last night. He managed to tell me how his day was 3 times and to go pick JoAnn up at the airport (she had just left the room!).
Keep Max in your prayers, he really enjoys the comments you leave here.

Let the Chemo Begin.........

Well, I got the call this afternoon.  I will begin chemo Thursday.  As I mentioned before I had a PICC line inserted for just this occasion, well, not, just for this occasion, but for unfettered acess to my veins!

I will start with a very mild sort of chemo, so I was told.  I always have someone with me when the talking gets heavy because I tend to just tune out.......This chemo will not cure me.  It will will be more to ease my pain and suffering and prolong my life.   I will be hooked up to a chemo pump for about 46 hours.  This is supposedly a VERY mild form of chemo and will cause very minor nausea and running to the bathroom, and possibly mouth sores. HHHmmm, mouth sores, must remember to get more popsickles.  And I think someone said I do it again in two weeks....playing ignorant and having my team with me helps me cope with the situation.

I am feeling much better than when I posted last and I don't actully think this is the beginning ofthe end, buit I still want to die in my sleep, tee hee.  I am being treated at the hospital at which I am employed by physicians and nurses I am familiar with and it has made all the difference in the world.

There is nothing like seeing a familiar face when you go to get your central line inserted, or when you are going for your millionth blood draw.  I have no complaints.

I know a lot of "work people" read this blog as well and quite frankly I don't know how I could get through this without you.  I can't thank you enough all enough. I could name names but I would rather protect the innocent..ever thoughtful me.......

This is where it is all really unfair.  I move to Vriginia, in the prime of my life, luck out finding this great job and group of people and them KABOOOOOOM!!!!!! CANCER!!!!!! The bic "C"

I had never been sick a day in my life except sinus trouble.  SO IT JUST GOES TOO SHOW YOU DON'T TAKE A MINUTE FOR GRANTED!

I will let you all know how the Chemo goes....oh, and by the way, the oncologist says I will not lose my hair.  I actually shaved my head once, but that is, ahem, another story altogehter, Tee Hee.  If I do lose my hair I will knit up a couple of Chemo Caps!  Knitting is a passion of mine for those of you who did not already know.  See, I told some of you I was not the buttoned down startched shirt tie wearing preppy that I appear to be........
Rest beckons, Sweet dreams for all...................All for now............

A week full of Woe......

Tis been a very bad week for me.  I picked up a GI thing at the hospital while I was getting a central line inserted for Chemo.  The Central line went in easily  enough but the vomiting and running to the bathroom for the past several days have been sheer !@#$.  Cancer is definitely for the strong.

I feel as though I am at a turning point.  This is either the time when I start to feel a little bit better, start the chemo, gain a few more pounds back etc........look forward to seeing the leaves change colors this year, or this is really the beginning of the end.  I am not sure where I am yet.

Everything seems to be falling apart this week.  Thank god my mother flew in late last night.  She and Mike are my lifelines.  I Am tired of taking meds, tired of the meds working me over, tired of what the meds do to me, sick and tired of the fact that THE MEDS NEVER REALLY GET RID OF THE PAIN....the pain is always there, just masked a bit.

All Pain aside, The nausea is going to !@#$ing KILL ME.  every day I wake up and I am nauseous.  I have barely eaten or drank anything since last wednesday, and it ain't pretty.  Do you know what it is like to be CONTANTLY THIRSTY?  The hunger pangs go away but the thirt haunts me for some reason.

And I have never really been asking "Why ME"  I just keep asking "Why"  ....Why am I going trhough this, what am I supposed to learn.  Or am I supposed to be teaching somone something?  I wish it were more clear.

I just seems like a big !@#$ed up mess right now and I pray that I will get some clarity. 

I pray everday that god takes me in my sleep because I have seen what cancer does and I don't want to go through it.  Please god don't make me go through it.  Please.

Thank you all, especially the strangers who are strangers no more sending me notes of encouragement.  Those notes brighten my day more than you will ever know.
Time for rest, All for now...............